Free Love Map Worksheets for Couples: An EFT-Informed Take on Gottman's Seven Principles
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By Dr. John O'Malley, PhD, LPC, NCC. Teaching Professor at the University of Denver, former Department Chair of the Counseling Program at Regis University, lifetime member of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT), and couples counselor in Golden, Colorado.
Last updated: May 2026. A Week of Knowing and Being Known: a five-piece couples counseling handout series.
The Love Map Handouts
A free seven-day couples counseling series. Five handouts. Print one set per partner.
[Handout 1. The Love Map Questionnaire (PDF)] Days 1 and 2. On your own. Twenty true-or-false statements about how well you know your partner's inner world.
[Handout 2. The 20 Questions Game (PDF)] Days 3 and 4. Together. A playful exchange of guesses, answers, and discoveries.
[Handout 3. Open-Ended Questions (PDF)] Days 5 and 6. Together. Twelve deeper questions. Pick three. Practice the muscle of asking and listening.
[Handout 4. Who Am I (PDF)] Day 7. On your own, then share. Five reflection questions about your own inner world.
[Handout 5. The Cycle-Noticing Sheet (PDF)] All week long. Where you notice what gets stirred up between you, without trying to fix it yet.
A safety note before you begin
If there is violence, intimidation, or fear in your relationship, these handouts are not the right tool. Reach out to a licensed couples counselor in your area, your doctor, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If something tender comes up while you are working through these exercises, make a note of it and bring it into your next couples counseling session.
How to use the love map handouts: one week, five pieces
Each partner needs their own printed copy of all five handouts. Find a week where you both have a little space. Begin on a Monday or a Sunday. Use the handouts in this order.
Days 1 and 2. The Love Map Questionnaire (on your own). This first one is just for you. Take it alone, in a quiet moment. Twenty true-or-false statements about how well you know your partner's inner world. No comparing answers yet. Just notice what you know and what you do not. Your partner will take their own copy.
Days 3 and 4. The 20 Questions Game (together). This is the playful one. Sit down somewhere comfortable. Each of you fills in your own answer sheet first, then picks ten questions to ask the other. They guess your answer. You guess theirs. The wrong guesses are the whole point. The point is not catching anyone in a wrong answer. The point is noticing where your map of each other is full, and where it is still being drawn.
Days 5 and 6. Open-Ended Questions (together). Twelve deeper questions. Pick three. Take turns asking, answering, listening. The asker's only job is to listen, stay curious, and ask one follow-up question. Then switch. Do not fix. Do not argue. Do not compare their answer to yours in your head. Just listen.
Day 7. Who Am I (on your own first, then share). Five reflection questions about your own inner world, what you have carried, what you want your life to mean. Answer them alone first. Then come back together and share what you feel called to share. You do not have to share everything. You get to choose.
All week long. The Cycle-Noticing Sheet. This is the EFT piece I added, and the one I want to spend a minute on.
The squirrel in the house: noticing the cycle, not fixing it
Couples often tell me in session that homework between sessions either goes great or it ends in a fight. Sometimes both, in the same evening. This is not a sign that something is broken. This is the cycle showing up.
When the cycle comes into the room with you, the urge is to fix it right now. The urge is to chase it out with a broom. I have a different ask of the couples I work with, and it is the same ask I make of the graduate counseling students I train. Can the awareness come in first, before the fix?
I call this the squirrel in the house. When a squirrel actually gets into a real house, the worst thing you can do is grab a broom and start chasing it. The squirrel panics. You panic. The house gets wrecked. The thing that actually works is, you both stop, you both notice the squirrel, you say out loud, the squirrel is in the house. Then you decide what to do.
The cycle is the same. When your cycle shows up between you, the first move is not to fix it. The first move is to notice it together. To name it. That naming is the EFT move underneath everything. In EFT we call this de-escalation, and it is the first stage of treatment for a reason. You cannot solve a cycle you cannot see.
The Cycle-Noticing Sheet is where that noticing gets written down. After each of the four exercises, both partners come back to the sheet, take two minutes, and notice. Which of the Four Horsemen showed up? Which of the three painful dances did we fall into? What was I feeling underneath the surface feeling? Just notice. You do not have to solve it. You just have to see it.
When couples bring that sheet into our next session, the work goes deeper, faster.
EFT and Gottman: how I combine both approaches in couples counseling
I am an goofirst. Emotionally Focused Therapy is my clinical foundation, the work of Dr. Sue Johnson that taught me to look underneath the surface fight to the attachment fear running it. When I supervise counselors-in-training, the first thing I teach them about EFT is that the dance between partners is never about the dishes. The dance is always about whether you matter. EFT is the model with the strongest research support for lasting change in couples therapy, with studies showing 70 to 75 percent of distressed couples move to recovery and 90 percent show significant improvement.
I also love the Gottman Method. John Gottman and Nan Silver's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is one of the most generous, practical relationship books I know. In Chapter 4, Principle One is Enhance Your Love Maps. A love map, in Gottman's language, is the map you carry inside your head of your partner's inner world. The chapter walks couples through a sequence of exercises that get just a little bit more vulnerable with each step. Gottman's decades of research at the University of Washington Love Lab gives this work an empirical backbone that any thoughtful couples counselor should respect.
Here is what I have noticed using these exercises with couples and teaching them to counseling graduate students for over a decade. The Gottman sequence is structurally beautiful. The voice can sometimes land heavy for couples already in distress. So I kept the structure and put an EFT spin on it. I softened the voice. I added the attachment lens underneath. I added the Cycle-Noticing Sheet, which Gottman's original does not have.
Who these love map handouts are for
If you are searching for a couples counselor in Golden, Colorado or anywhere along the front range, these handouts are a good place to begin. They are also for couples driving down the hill from Evergreen, Conifer, Bailey, or Morrison, and for couples coming up from Lakewood, Wheat Ridge, Arvada, or Denver who want a softer, attachment-informed version of the Gottman love map exercises.
They are also for couples who have read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work on their own and want a companion piece that takes the same exercises and puts an EFT lens on them.
These handouts are not a replacement for couples therapy. They are not a self-help fix. They are a piece of structured homework. If something tender comes up while you are working through them, make a note of it and bring it to your next couples counseling session. If you do not have a couples counselor yet, this is a good signal you might benefit from one.
About the author
Dr. John O'Malley, PhD, LPC, NCC, is a couples counselor in Golden, Colorado and the founder of O'Malley Counseling. His clinical work is grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and informed by the Gottman Method.
Dr. O'Malley is a Teaching Professor at the University of Denver's College of Professional Studies, where he teaches in the Master's in Counseling program and supervises graduate counselors-in-training. He is the former Department Chair of the Counseling Program at Regis University, where he led curriculum development and faculty supervision for the Master's-level counselor education program. He is a lifetime member of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT), the international credentialing body founded by Dr. Sue Johnson, and is currently completing his certification with the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in sex therapy.
His couples therapy practice serves couples in Golden, Evergreen, Conifer, Lakewood, Wheat Ridge, Arvada, and Denver, in person at his Golden office and through secure telehealth across Colorado. Learn more or schedule a free fifteen-minute consultation at omalleycounseling.com.
Frequently asked questions about love map worksheets and couples counseling
What is a love map in couples therapy? A love map is John Gottman's term for the mental map you carry of your partner's inner world. Their hopes, their fears, the names of their closest friends, what stresses them out this week. Gottman's research at the University of Washington Love Lab found that couples with detailed love maps of each other weather hard times better than couples without them. From an EFT lens, knowing your partner well is part of what makes them feel safe with you.
How is EFT couples therapy different from the Gottman Method? The two approaches share a lot of common ground, and many couples counselors, including me, draw on both. EFT, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, focuses on the attachment bond underneath your interactions, the fear of disconnection that drives so much conflict. The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, focuses on observable patterns and skills, including the Four Horsemen and their antidotes. In my couples counseling practice in Golden, Colorado, I use EFT as the foundation and bring in the Gottman tools where they fit. I also teach this integration to my graduate counseling students at the University of Denver.
Do these worksheets replace couples therapy? No. The worksheets are a useful tool for couples who are already in good shape and want to deepen their connection, and for couples who are in counseling already and want structured work between sessions. They are not designed to repair serious ruptures, address betrayal trauma, or substitute for clinical support.
How do I know if my partner and I need couples counseling? If you find yourselves having the same fight over and over, if you feel further away from each other than you used to, if you have stopped reaching out to each other in the small everyday ways, or if you are wondering if you still know each other, those are signs that couples counseling can help. A free fifteen-minute consultation is a low-pressure way to see if working together is a good fit.
Can I do these handouts if my partner does not want to? You can do the Love Map Questionnaire and the Who Am I sheet on your own. The 20 Questions Game and the Open-Ended Questions are designed for two. If your partner is hesitant, the Cycle-Noticing Sheet is also worth doing solo, even just for your own awareness of what gets stirred up.
Do you offer couples counseling outside of Golden, Colorado? I work in person with couples at my office in Golden, Colorado, and through secure telehealth with couples anywhere in the state. Many of my clients live in Evergreen, Conifer, Lakewood, Denver, and the surrounding mountain and front range communities.
What credentials should I look for in a couples counselor? Look for a licensed clinician (LPC, LMFT, LCSW, or psychologist) with specific training in a research-supported model of couples therapy. EFT certification through ICEEFT and Gottman Method training through the Gottman Institute are two of the most respected credentials in the field. Teaching, supervision, or research experience is a strong additional signal of expertise.
Sources and further reading:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Rev. ed.). Harmony Books.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.
Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390-407.