Understanding the Negative Cycle: A Path to Healing Your Relationship
- May 19
- 9 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
When couples come into my office in Golden, Colorado, they often express a common frustration: "We keep having the same fight. Different topic, same fight."
This repeating pattern is known as the negative cycle. It’s a central concept in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. Understanding this cycle is crucial for couples who want to reconnect. Once a couple can identify their cycle as a separate entity, rather than a problem within themselves, the tension often begins to ease.
However, there's a critical step before addressing the cycle together. Many couples overlook this step, which is why they remain stuck, even after reading every book by Sue Johnson or listening to every podcast by Esther Perel.
That step is getting the squirrel out of the house first.
The Squirrel in the House: Why Individual Work Comes First
Imagine this scenario: there's a squirrel running wild in your house. It’s knocking things over and causing chaos. Now, picture you and your partner trying to discuss how to redecorate the living room — while the squirrel is still in the house.
You can’t focus. The squirrel is dominating the conversation.
In this metaphor, the squirrel represents the negative cycle. It disrupts your relationship, making meaningful conversation impossible. Couples often make the mistake of discussing the content of their arguments (money, sex, in-laws, chores) while the squirrel is still wreaking havoc.
The first task isn’t to resolve the fight. The first task is to get the squirrel out.
This is achieved through individual awareness. Each partner must learn to recognize their own behaviors within the cycle. What do you do when you feel disconnected? What thoughts run through your mind about your partner during these moments? What feelings lie beneath your reactions? What are you longing for that the cycle obscures?
This work can be challenging and is primarily internal. It’s not yet about couples’ conversations. It’s about each person starting to understand their role in the cycle. I often guide clients through this process in individual sessions, homework assignments, or even casual observations during their daily routines.
Once both partners have engaged in this individual work — when each can articulate their part in the cycle without blame — then you’re ready for the next step. You can finally put it on the table together.
Every Action, Equal and Opposite: The Physics of a Couple's Cycle
I have a confession. I struggled with physics in college. I was relieved it counted as my science elective. Yet, one lesson stuck with me: every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
This principle applies to couples, too.
In a negative cycle, one partner's actions trigger the other's feelings. Those feelings drive their responses, which then influence the first partner's feelings, and so on. This cycle continues until someone identifies it or decides to leave.
This is known as circular causality in systems theory. It’s central to EFT's understanding of relationship distress. Couples are not just two individuals with separate issues; they form a system. The cycle exists between you, not within either partner.
Practically, this means you cannot fully understand your cycle in isolation. While individual awareness is essential, it’s not enough. At some point, you must examine the cycle together. You need to see how your actions connect with your partner's and vice versa.
That’s the work I want to explore today.
My Favorite Question: "What Is Your Role in This?"
Once couples have done enough individual work to return to the table with some grounding, I like to ask a favorite question. It’s not original to me — variations of it appear in systemic family therapy — but I use it often.
The question is: "What is your role in this?"
Not "whose fault is it?" Not "who started it?" Just — what part do you play in maintaining this pattern? What do you do that contributes?
For example, one partner might say, "I’m exhausted from having to remind them about everything. The trash, the kids' permission slips, the oil change, all of it. I’m the household manager, and I never asked to be."
That frustration is valid. But here’s the question I’d pose to the frustrated partner:
What is your role in them needing to remind you?
Let me rephrase that. To the partner who is being reminded:
What is your role in them needing to remind you?
That’s the tougher question. It’s not about "why don’t they trust me?" or "they’re so controlling." It’s about examining how your behavior makes them feel they must carry the mental load. Do you follow through when you say you will? Do you notice what needs attention? Do you make it easy for them to trust you with responsibilities, or do you make it difficult?
Then, to the other partner — the one doing the reminding:
What is your role in this dynamic? How do you present your reminders? Are you delivering them as information or as complaints? Do you allow room for your partner to fail without consequences, or does every missed task become evidence of a larger issue?
Both questions are significant. Both have honest answers. When both partners can reflect on their own roles — not the other's — the cycle begins to lose its grip. This is what I mean by discussing the cycle from a grounded perspective. It’s not about defensiveness or blame. It’s about honest curiosity regarding your own contributions.
A Critical Pause: When This Work Is Not Appropriate
Before I continue, I must be clear about something.
Everything I’ve discussed — the question "what is your role," the concept of mutual contribution, and the idea that both partners participate in the cycle — does not apply in situations of abuse, coercion, or domestic violence.
If physical violence exists in your relationship, or if one partner uses intimidation, isolation, financial control, threats, or coercive control to dominate the other, the framework of "both partners contribute to the cycle" is not only incorrect, it can be dangerous. It can be weaponized by the abusive partner to make the victim feel responsible for the abuse.
If this describes your situation, please do not use my workbook. Please do not attempt to work on your "cycle" together. The appropriate next step is to reach out to someone who specializes in domestic violence — the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or in Colorado, Violence Free Colorado. They can help you explore safety, options, and resources. There’s no shame in seeking that kind of help, and a couples therapist (including me) is not the right first call.
Everything that follows is for couples where both partners are safe, can speak honestly without fear, and the issue is a pattern of disconnection — not a power imbalance maintained through harm.
The Naming Our Cycle Workbook: A Resource for Couples Ready to Do This Work Together
Once couples in my practice have engaged in sufficient individual work to return to the table — once the squirrel is mostly out of the house, even if it’s still scratching at the door — I often assign homework.
This homework is a workbook I’ve been refining for several years and recently released publicly. It’s called Naming Our Cycle: A Couples Workbook, and it’s designed to help couples systematically explore their cycle together, in their own home, between therapy sessions.
The workbook guides you through ten pages of structured conversation, integrating two of the most evidence-based frameworks in couples therapy:
Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — which shows that couples’ conflicts often stem from underlying attachment fears, not just surface issues.
John Gottman's Four Horsemen — the four behavior patterns (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) identified through decades of research as the most damaging to long-term relationships.
The workbook is structured around three movements:
STUDY what happened — choose one moment of disconnection from recent weeks. Each partner describes the event from a neutral perspective, then delves deeper to identify the softer truths behind their reactions.
SEE the cycle together — using a guided four-round conversation, share your findings. Then, fill in your shared cycle on the infinity loop diagram (adapted from Dr. Scott R. Woolley’s classic EFT visualization). You’ll end up with a shared name for your cycle — The 8pm Storm. The Quiet Roast. The Drift. Whatever resonates.
PRACTICE the way out — establish a shared signal for when the cycle begins to emerge, and create a two-week plan to keep the cycle visible in your daily lives.
This workbook is not a substitute for therapy. It’s meant for between-session work, pre-therapy preparation, or for couples who are doing well but wish to deepen their understanding of their interactions.
How Do You Know if You're Ready for This Workbook?
Here are a few honest qualifiers — not every couple should jump into this, and I’d prefer you wait than risk doing it incorrectly.
You’re probably ready if:
Both of you want to work on the relationship (not just one partner trying to fix it).
You’ve had enough time to recover from your last major conflict to discuss it without reigniting old tensions.
You can consider that you might play a role in the pattern, even while feeling hurt by your partner.
You have a couples therapist to debrief with, or you’re considering finding one.
You can both dedicate about 90 minutes without interruptions to do the work.
Probably not the right moment if:
You’re in an active crisis (a recent affair, separation discussions, or major unresolved issues).
One or both of you are facing untreated mental health crises (active suicidal thoughts, severe depression, untreated PTSD, substance dependence, psychosis).
There’s any element of abuse, coercion, or fear in the relationship (refer to the earlier section).
One partner is bringing the workbook home to "make" the other partner see something.
That last point is crucial. This workbook only works if both partners are genuinely curious. If it’s used as a weapon to prove a point, it will backfire.
What Happens Next
If you complete the workbook and find it helpful, you might want additional support — someone to help you explore deeper than you can on your own. That’s my profession. I’m a licensed couples therapist in Golden, Colorado, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy. I work with couples throughout the Denver metro area, both in person and virtually across Colorado. I also teach counseling psychology at the University of Denver, dedicating a significant portion of my week to training the next generation of therapists. The frameworks in this workbook are the same ones I teach my graduate students.
If you’d like to discuss whether working together might be a good fit, I offer a free 20-minute consultation. You can book a time on my website or send me a message directly.
If you complete the workbook and have feedback — what worked, what didn’t, what was confusing, what resonated — I’d genuinely appreciate hearing from you. This workbook is a living document, and the couples who use it are the reason I continue to refine it.
But most importantly, I hope it helps. Naming the cycle is the first step toward restoring your relationship. Most couples can accomplish more than they realize.
Get the squirrel out of the house. Then look at it together.
Dr. John O'Malley is a couples therapist in Golden, Colorado, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Gottman-informed work, and ACT-based approaches to relationship distress. He holds a PhD from the University of Wyoming and a Master's degree in Community Counseling from the University of Nebraska–Kearney. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in Colorado and a Nationally Certified Counselor (NCC). Dr. O'Malley is a Teaching Professor in the Counseling Psychology Department at the University of Denver, where he trains future therapists and previously served as Department Chair of the Counseling Department at Regis University. He works with couples across the Denver metro area in person and virtually with clients throughout Colorado.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a negative cycle in a relationship? A negative cycle is the repeating pattern of disconnection that almost every couple experiences — the same fight, the same wall, the same drift, just in different forms. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the negative cycle is viewed as a circular pattern where one partner's reactive behavior triggers the other partner's protective response, which then triggers the first partner's reactive behavior, and so on. Naming the cycle is the first significant change event in EFT.
Is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) evidence-based? Yes. EFT, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, has over 30 years of outcome research and is considered one of the most empirically validated couples therapy approaches available. Studies consistently show that around 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery, and improvements tend to be maintained over time.
Can we do this workbook on our own without a therapist? The workbook is designed for use between therapy sessions or as pre-therapy preparation. It’s most effective when you have a therapist to debrief with afterward, but couples without a current therapist can still benefit from it if they are emotionally stable and not in active crisis. Refer to the qualifiers section above.
Do you work with couples outside of Golden, Colorado? Yes. I see couples in person at my office in Golden and virtually for clients anywhere in Colorado. The Denver metro area, Boulder, Fort Collins, Colorado Springs — all manageable for virtual work.
What's the difference between Sue Johnson's EFT and John Gottman's approach? They are complementary, not competing. EFT focuses on the emotional and attachment underpinnings of couples' conflicts — what’s happening underneath. Gottman's research emphasizes observable behavioral patterns and what specifically predicts relationship distress over time. In my practice, I integrate both approaches. The workbook uses EFT as its structural backbone while incorporating Gottman's Four Horsemen as a behavioral lens.