Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight? Free EFT Worksheet
- May 12
- 6 min read
By Dr. John O'Malley, PhD, LPC · Couples Therapist & Teaching Professor · Golden, Colorado
Updated May 2026 · 6 min read
If you've ever sat in your car after another fight and thought we just had this same argument three weeks ago, what is wrong with us, let me just say, great work. Yes, you are taking a step outside yourself and looking at your pattern and dynamic. And if you come see me up in my Golden, CO office, you would learn hopefully fast that you are in a negative cycle, and almost every couple I see inperson or online practice is in one.
The reason it keeps happening isn't what you think. And I kind of stopped asking why the problem is, because most couples say the same thing: we need communication skills. But in terms of communication skills, I say, yes and. But keep in mind, it isn't the dishes, the in-laws, the money, or the sex. It's something underneath all of that. And until you can see what's underneath, the same fight keeps showing up no matter how many books you read.
I've been doing couples therapy for a little bit now, and I watch the same thing happen over and over.
Couples come in, I introduce them to the idea of their negative cycle, they nod, and then they breeze right past it. I even share my analogy of the squirrel in the house, and while I will get folks to laugh, rarely do I have folks leaving being like, I get it, I know my cycle. They say "yeah, he shuts down and I get critical" and call it identified. Y'all, we need to go a little deeper than that. That's naming the move. The cycle is the whole loop, and seeing it clearly is harder than it sounds.
Now, I'd love it if you come see me and help your relationship, but not everyone can afford to do so or has time. I built a two-page worksheet to help couples actually do this on their own. It's free. You can grab it below.
Get the damn squirrel out of the house
Imagine a squirrel got loose in your house. It's panicking, knocking things off shelves, running room to room. You and your partner are both trying to deal with it. You're chasing it toward the door. They're trying to corner it in the kitchen. You yell at them for blocking your path. They yell at you for spooking it.
Within five minutes you're not fighting the squirrel anymore, you're fighting each other.
That's the negative cycle.
The squirrel is the cycle. It's the panicked, chaotic thing that got loose in your relationship at some point that you've both been trying to manage. The cycle is not you. It's not your partner. It's the thing running around between you making the mess.
Almost every distressed couple I see is doing the same two things. They're trying to deal with their squirrel, and they're blaming each other for the mess the squirrel is making. Once they can see the squirrel as the squirrel, everything changes.
What a negative cycle actually looks like
In EFT couples therapy, we usually see one of three shapes.
Pursue-withdraw. One partner reaches, presses, criticizes. The other goes quiet, picks up their phone, walks out. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. About 80% of distressed couples I see are in some version of this.
Attack-attack. Both partners come at each other. Criticism meets counter-criticism. Nobody backs down because backing down feels like losing.
Withdraw-withdraw. The quiet one, and often the most dangerous. Both partners have stopped reaching. They've gone polite, or roommate-ish, or busy. From the outside it can look calm. From the inside, both of them know they're already half-gone.
Whatever shape your cycle takes, the structure underneath is the same. Something triggers one of you. You do the move that's familiar. Your partner reads your move and does theirs. Both of you are responding to the other person's move, which means neither of you is responding to what's underneath. The squirrel runs free.
Why it's so hard to see on your own
A few reasons most couples can't identify their cycle without help.
You can't see your own move from inside it. When you're pursuing, it doesn't feel like pursuing. It feels like trying to get your partner to finally take this seriously. When you're withdrawing, it doesn't feel like withdrawing. It feels like trying to keep the peace.
Blame is the path of least resistance. "She got critical and I shut down" puts the cycle on her. The actual cycle is "when she gets critical, I shut down, and when I shut down, she gets more critical." Holding both moves in your head at the same time is the hard part.
Couples skip the most important layer. Underneath the pursuing is usually a scared question about whether you matter to your partner anymore. Underneath the withdrawing is usually a quiet conviction that you're failing them. Those sentences are the gold. They're what your partner has never really heard from you in that form. And they're the thing most couples never get to without help.
What's in the worksheet
The two-page worksheet I built does a few things differently than what you'd find in Hold Me Tight or anywhere else online.
Checkboxes instead of fill-in-the-blank. Recognition is easier than recall when you're stressed.
Worked examples on every section from two fictional couples in different cycle patterns, so you have something to calibrate against.
Blame-proof structure. When you describe what triggered your move, you have to write something a camera could film. No "when she was being dismissive." That single rule prevents a ton of the blame I usually have to coach out of couples.
A reaching step at the end. After you've traded your maps and named your cycle, there's one final step. Each of you says two sentences to the other in the softest voice you can manage. The first is what's underneath. The second is the story you tell yourself at 2 a.m. The partner listening doesn't fix, doesn't defend, doesn't compare. They just receive, with one sentence: "Thank you for telling me. That matters to me."
That step is small. It's also the thing therapists spend months helping couples build up to. When couples in my office actually do this step with each other, something shifts in the room.
What the worksheet can and can't do
The worksheet can help you see your cycle. Most couples have never seen the actual loop they've been caught in. Once you've mapped it and named it, you have a name for the squirrel. That alone helps a meaningful number of couples cool down their fights and stop blaming each other.
The worksheet can't, by itself, reorganize the deeper bond underneath. Seeing the cycle isn't the same as stepping out of it consistently. That work usually needs a third person in the room.
Think of the worksheet as a door, not a room. It opens something. What's on the other side often needs help.
Frequently asked questions
Is this worksheet just for couples in serious trouble? No. Couples in mild distress benefit too, sometimes more. The worksheet has a safety screening question at the top — please read it before starting. If there's violence, untreated crisis, or fear of speaking freely in your relationship, please don't use it alone.
Can we do this if only one of us is willing? Page one alone is useful for seeing your own half of the pattern. Page two requires both of you. Sometimes one partner doing their own work changes enough that the other one starts to engage.
How long does it take? 30 to 45 minutes alone for page one. Another 60 minutes together for page two. There's a "quick path" option for a shorter version if that's all you have right now.
Do we need to read Hold Me Tight first? No. The worksheet stands on its own. And Hold Me Tight is amazing, I highly recommend it.
What if we did the worksheet and want to go further? That's the right next step. Couples who've done this work on their own tend to make faster progress in EFT therapy because they arrive already inside the work. If you're in Colorado, there's a link below to book a free consultation.
If you want help
I'm Dr. John O'Malley, and I specialize in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples at O'Malley Counseling in Golden, Colorado. I work with couples in person across the Front Range — Golden, Genesee, Evergreen, Conifer, Morrison, Lakewood, and the Denver metro — and via telehealth statewide in Colorado. The first step is a free 20-minute consultation.
Free Worksheet: Finding Your Cycle, Together
If you scrolled down without grabbing it, here it is again.
Dr. John O'Malley, PhD, LPC, NCC, is a couples therapist and Teaching Professor in Golden, Colorado, with over 15 years of experience helping couples find their way back to each other.