How Do We Fight Right? And Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight?
- May 11
- 9 min read
By Dr. John O'Malley, PhD, LPC | O'Malley Counseling | Couples Therapy in Golden, Colorado
The first time I heard Drs. John and Julie Gottman say that 69% of problems in long-term relationships never get fully resolved, I sat with it for a little bit.
Like really, sixty-nine percent. Never resolved. WOW!
If you're a couple in the middle of the same fight you've been having for three years, that number probably feels like a relief and a punch in the gut at the same time. Relief because no, you're not broken. Punch in the gut because, well, this might be the fight forever. So what happens if its really not about the fight but how you fight?
Keep in mind, the goal isn't to win. The goal isn't to make conflict disappear. The goal is mutual understanding. The Gottmans have spent decades writing about fighting right. And as I sat with their work, I kept thinking the same thing I bet you're thinking right now: I don't know about you, but I never learned this. Nobody handed me a worksheet in middle school called "How to Bring Up Something Hard With Someone You Love Without letting the sqyurrek into the house." Did you get that worksheet? Because I sure didn't.
WHile there are other resources out there are good, I put the OMalley Counseling and EFT spin to it.
What Does It Mean to Fight Right?
So if you are checking out the handout, remember, fighting right doesn't mean fighting less. It doesn't mean fighting nice. It means fighting in a way that gets you closer to each other instead of further apart.
In practical terms, fighting right means three things:
Bringing problems up softly so your partner can actually hear you
Getting underneath the recurring fight to find the dream or wound beneath it
Cleaning up afterward so the same fight doesn't keep coming back
That's the whole framework. Three tools. Three moments. I built a free handout based on the Gottmans' three blueprints and brought my Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) foundation into it. You can find it on my website.
Before I walk you through the tools, I have to tell you about the squirrel.
The Squirrel in Your House (How to Think About the Fight)
Here's the analogy I use with every couple I work with.
The fight you keep having is not you. It's not your partner. It's a squirrel that got into your house. And the two of you are standing in the kitchen at midnight, in your pajamas, screaming at each other about who left the door open.
Meanwhile the squirrel is in the attic chewing on the wiring.
In EFT, Sue Johnson calls this the cycle. The Gottmans call the behaviors that feed it the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Sue Johnson calls the pattern itself Find the Bad Guy, or the Protest Polka, or what she sometimes calls the demon dialogs.
Different language. Same squirrel.
Your job isn't to figure out which one of you is the squirrel. Your job is to stand shoulder to shoulder and get it out of the house. Then, and only then, can you talk about whatever you were actually trying to talk about.
That's the move underneath all three tools. You and me against the squirrel. Not me against you.
How Do We Bring Up a Problem Without Starting a Fight?
Use a Soft Start-Up. How you open the door is how the squirrel gets through it.
If you walk into a conversation with your partner the same way you'd walk into a fight, your partner's nervous system is going to react like it's a fight. That's not them being difficult. That's biology.
The Soft Start-Up has three pieces:
I feel ___ (name the emotion underneath, not the label you want to slap on your partner)
About ___ (describe the behavior ten people would agree on, not the meaning you put to it)
I need ___ (the longing underneath, not the demand on top of it)
Let me slow down on Step 1, because most of us are not great at this.
When we're hurt, we go to surface emotions first. Mad. Frustrated. Annoyed. Sometimes numb. Those are real, but they're rarely the whole story. Underneath them is almost always something softer and more vulnerable. Hurt. Sad. Lonely. Scared. Ashamed. Unimportant. Invisible. Alone.
If you bring the surface emotion to your partner, you'll start a fight. If you bring the underneath emotion, you'll start a conversation.
Same goes for Step 3. The demand on top sounds like "I need you to call me when you're going to be late." The longing underneath sounds like "I need to feel like I matter to you when your day gets crazy." Both are real. The second one will actually land.
How Do We Stop Having the Same Fight Over and Over?
Use the Dream Within Conflict tool. Same squirrel, every Friday night. Stop chasing it. Sit down and figure out why it keeps getting in. If you've had the same fight more than three times, congratulations, you have a Perpetual Problem. That's what the Gottmans call it. Keep in mind, it's just a fight that's about something deeper than what you keep fighting about.
The Thanksgiving fight isn't about Thanksgiving. The dishes fight isn't about dishes. The how-much-we-spend-on-the-kids fight isn't about money. Underneath each of those fights is a dream. A story. A wound from a long time ago that this moment keeps poking.
In this tool, one partner is the speaker and one is the listener. The listener asks four questions, and they don't fix, rebut, or defend:
What do you believe about this? (Underneath the fight, you've got a belief about how this should go. Let's hear it.)
Is there a story behind this for you? (Childhood, an old relationship, something your dad used to say. This stuff doesn't come from nowhere.)
Why does this matter so much to you? (Not why it should matter. Why it does, to you, right now.)
What are you actually feeling underneath all this? (Not mad. Not frustrated. The stuff under that.)
What do you wish was different? What do you need? (If you could have your partner hear one thing here, what is it?)
What's the bigger thing you're hoping for? (This fight is pointing at something bigger. A dream. A version of your life together. What is it?)
Here's what usually happens when couples do this in my office. They discover the fight was never about the thing. She grew up the kid no one made plans around, and the "we need to talk about Thanksgiving" moment touched that wound. He grew up with a dad who told him he never showed up right, and "we need to talk" sounded like one more verdict coming down the pipeline.
Once both dreams are on the table, you can talk about both. Not whose is right.
How Do We Recover After a Fight?
Use the Aftermath of a Fight tool. The squirrel got out. Now clean up the mess together so the door stays closed next time.
This is the one most couples skip. The fight ends, you both go to your corners, the air clears in 24 hours, and you both quietly agree to pretend it didn't happen. The problem is the door is still open. The squirrel is coming back.
The Aftermath has five steps:
Feelings — Just words, no story yet. "I felt invisible. Alone. Stupid for bringing it up."
My subjective story — "I heard / I saw / I thought." The listener takes notes, then validates: "That makes sense from where you stood."
Triggers — What old wound got poked? Now your partner knows the sore spot.
Responsibility — What I regret, then sorry. Be specific. Ask, "Do you accept my apology?"
Next time — One small, doable thing each of you will try differently.
Notice what's not on this list. Who was right. Whose fault it was. Who has been worse over the last six months. None of that.
The Aftermath isn't a verdict. You want to know who wins, you all, your reltiomship, when you forget about winning personfally
Why None of These Tools Will Work When Your Heart Is Pounding
I put something at the very end of the handout, and I want to tell you why I didn't put it at the beginning.
At the end, there's a section called A Note Before You Begin: Get to Wise Mind First.
It says, in plain language, that none of these three tools will work if you try to use them while your body is in fight-or-flight. The cycle is already running you. Stop. Get out of it first.
If you're reading this and thinking, "okay here comes some psychology mumbo jumbo about deep breathing," let me translate.
Calming your nervous system is not a vibe. It's not a wellness trend. It's the thing that determines whether you talk to your partner in a way that shows them how much you love them, or whether you go to bed at 11 p.m. regretting how you showed up.
I'm half Irish Catholic. I know about wanting to say the thing. I know about the heat that rises up your neck when you feel cornered. Trust me. Calming the nervous system is the whole game.
You can tell you're heading into the squirrel zone when your heart starts beating faster, your jaw locks up, your chest tightens, or you can hear yourself rehearsing the perfect comeback in your head. That's the signal. That's the moment to pause and tell your partner what's happening before you say something you'll have to clean up later.
The handout gives you exact language for that pause, depending on whether you're the one wanting to find the bad guy, the one who wants to flee, or the one who wants to chase.
I put it at the end on purpose. Because I want you to read the three tools first, fall in love with how clear they are, then bump into this note and realize the tools only work if you can use them.
One More Thing: You Have to Take Your Side of the Cycle
If you use this handout, I need you to remember something. You have to take ownership for your side of the cycle.
It is so much easier to read this and think, "great, this is exactly what my partner needs to do." I'm telling you right now, that is the squirrel talking.
Both of you are in the cycle. Both of you are doing something that keeps it alive. Your work is your work. Your partner's work is theirs. The handout only works if both of you pick it up.
Where This Came From
I don't know if I believe in original thought anymore. Most of what I do clinically is built on the shoulders of people who came before me. So I want to be clear about where this came from.
The three blueprints are from the Gottmans' work, particularly their book Fight Right (Harmony Books, 2024). The cycle language and the attachment lens are from Sue Johnson and Emotionally Focused Therapy. The Wise Mind concept comes from Marsha Linehan and DBT. I put my own twist on it with the squirrel analogy, and I brought my EFT foundation into how I teach it.
If it's useful, use it. If not, throw it out. That's what I tell every couple who walks into my office.
When the Tools Aren't Enough
These three tools are a great place to start. Some couples read this handout, try it for a week, and watch a fight that used to take three days resolve in twenty minutes. That happens.
But if you've been in the same cycle for years, if there's been a betrayal, if one of you is already halfway out the door, a handout isn't going to be enough. That's not a failure. That's the territory I work in every day.
I'm Dr. John O'Malley. I'm a couples therapist in Golden, Colorado, and I work with couples across the Front Range and statewide via telehealth. I specialize in Emotionally Focused Therapy, and most of my couples are high-achieving professionals who have already tried to solve this on their own and want a real expert in the room.
If that sounds like you, I offer a free 20-minute consultation. You can book one here.
Whatever you decide, I hope the handout is useful. And I hope the next time the squirrel shows up in your house, you and your partner can stand shoulder to shoulder and get it out together.
Dr. John O'Malley, PhD, LPC, NCC is a couples therapist in Golden, Colorado, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman-informed couples counseling. He works with couples in Golden, Evergreen, Genesee, Denver, and across the Front Range, with telehealth available statewide. Book a free 20-minute consultation at omalleycounseling.com.
Dr. John O'Malley, PhD, LPC, NCC, is a couples therapist based in Golden, Colorado, who specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman-informed couples counseling. He offers his services to couples in Golden, Evergreen, Genesee, Denver, and throughout the Front Range, with telehealth options available statewide. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation at omalleycounseling.com.