The Protest Polka: Five Mantras to Break the Cycle (From a Golden, CO Couples Counselor)
11 minutes ago
6 min read
By Dr. John O'Malley, PhD, LPC · Couples Counselor and Clinical Supervisor · Golden, Colorado
The short answer. The protest polka is Sue Johnson's name for the pursue and withdraw pattern, where one partner pushes and the other pulls away. The pattern traps you both. Five short mantras help you break it: name it, own it, hear it, team it, pause it. A review of 74 studies backs this up.
Today I want to talk about the protest polka.
As a couples counselor in Golden, I've done this work a long time, and step one is almost always the same. We identify the cycle, and we start getting into a different mind frame, one where you stop seeing each other as the enemy and start seeing the cycle as the enemy.
You're probably thinking, "Yeah, that's easy. Next. What's next?" Plenty of my couples think that too. Others have a hard time with it. "Yeah, but this is the thing we keep fighting about." And I keep putting it back into the context of the cycle. Folks who have worked with me for a while come back and say, "I get it now." It's really hard to see when you're inside it.
So here's a very specific pattern. One of you pursues and the other withdraws, or one criticizes and the other gets defensive. Sue Johnson calls it the protest polka. (Love me some Sue Johnson.) In her Hold Me Tight workbook, on pages 48 and 49, she lays out mantras that make a real difference. These five are my own take.
What is the protest polka?
At 4:10, Jesse texted Riley. "Are we still doing dinner?" No answer. At 5:30, "Hello?" Riley was in a meeting with the phone face down. At 6:15, Riley walked in. Jesse didn't turn around. "You could have answered one text." "I was working. Do you hear how that sounds?" Riley went to the garage. Jesse followed. The door closed.
Jesse and Riley are invented. The dance is real, and I see it every week.
That's the polka. One partner feels the distance and protests: push, poke, criticize, follow you to the garage. The other feels the pressure and protects: explain, go quiet, leave the room. Each move makes the other one bigger. Researchers call it the demand/withdraw pattern. I call it the squirrel in the house.
Here's the part that's hard to see. The cycle attacks both of you. Both of you are its victims. In Hold Me Tight, Johnson points to research showing couples who never learn to spot this pattern often don't make it much past year five. The good news: you learned this dance, so you can learn a new one.
Is the pursue-withdraw cycle backed by research?
Yes. In 2014, Paul Schrodt and colleagues combined 74 studies with 14,255 people. Three findings stood out:
It's tied to unhappy relationships. More of this dance meant less satisfaction, less closeness, more breakups, more stress, and more depression.
It doesn't matter who pushes and who pulls away. Both versions were linked to about the same trouble. If you're the pusher, you're not the problem. If you're the puller, you're not the problem. The dance is the problem.
The whole loop hurts more than either step alone. That's the science behind mantra one.
One honest caveat: the studies show the pattern and the problems travel together, not which causes which. But the authors note that a couple's interactions are far easier to change than personality. You can't change your partner's temperament. You can change the dance.
The five mantras to break the negative cycle
A mantra is a short sentence you say to yourself, or out loud, when the music starts. Each has a hook that rhymes, because nobody remembers a paragraph at 6:15 on a Tuesday. The whole set is a chant: Name it. Own it. Hear it. Team it. Pause it.
1. See the whole dance: "Name it to tame it (before you blame it)."
Say: "Uh oh. The squirrel is in the house. Let's get it out together." When you're in it, you zoom in on one step. Zoom out and look at the whole loop. Dan Siegel's phrase is "name it to tame it." My tail, "before you blame it," is where couples go sideways: they name their partner's step instead of the dance. Say "we," and you're calling a teammate, not filing a complaint.
2. Own your step: "Bust yourself first (before it gets worse)."
Say: "When I push, you pull away. When you pull away, I push harder. I own my part." Every move gets a reaction. Owning your part doesn't mean all the blame. Your step is the only one you can change, and naming it before your partner has to keeps the next round from starting. Either partner, of any gender, can be pusher or puller.
3. Hear the cry under the noise: "Mad on top, sad underneath."
Say it to yourself: "My partner is hurting and reaching for me. What medicine can I give?" Loud is scared turned up. Quiet is scared turned down. Pushing is a cry for closeness, and pulling away is fear of making it worse. Remember the kind, caring person you chose.
4. The cycle is the enemy: "Two on one, and the squirrel is done."
Say: "We're on the same team. The squirrel is the problem." Me against you is one on one, and you both lose. Us against the squirrel is two on one, and the squirrel loses every time.
5. Slow the music together: "Time-out, not walk-out."
Say: "Pause the conflict, not the relationship. I'll be back in twenty minutes." A walk-out says "I'm leaving you." A time-out says "I'm coming back." Calm your bodies first, then talk about the fear and hurt underneath.
Why couples stay stuck (and what helps)
"Yeah, yeah, next." Knowing the cycle in your head and catching it in your body are different skills. Test: can each of you finish this out loud? "When I ______, you ______. Underneath, I'm afraid ______."
"But this is about the dishes." The topic changes. The dance doesn't. One dance, three soundtracks. Ask, "If we swapped the topic, would this feel any different?"
"I'm the only one trying." Handing this to your partner mid-fight is just another push. Share it when you're calm, and lead with your own step: "I think my part is that I push." Pullers, hear this: pulling away is usually protective. It's a loving goal with a costly strategy.
Jesse and Riley, two weeks later: "Uh oh. Squirrel. I'm pushing because I got scared you forgot about us." And Riley stopped halfway to the garage. "I was walking away because I felt like I let you down again. Can we sit down?" Same trigger. Same two people. Different dance.
A note on safety
These mantras are for two people who are safe with each other. If there is violence, intimidation, control, or fear of what happens when you speak up, please reach out for help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788). If contempt or old trauma is part of your fights, work with a therapist.
Couples therapy in Golden and Denver, and clinical supervision
If you'd like someone in the room while you learn the new dance, I offer EFT couples therapy in Golden, the Denver metro, and anywhere in Colorado by telehealth. Start with a free 20-minute consultation. And grab the free one-page handout with all five mantras: download it here.
Pre-licensed counselors: naming the cycle in session is the easy part. The hard part is the couple going home and the cycle showing up at 6:15 on a Tuesday without you. Mantras give them something short enough to remember while flooded. Have them say it to each other, not to you, and send one home per week. I provide LPCC supervision in Colorado for pre-licensed counselors working toward the LPC, one on one and in a weekly online group. See the supervision page.
Frequently asked questions
What is the protest polka? It is Sue Johnson's name for the pursue and withdraw pattern. One partner pushes for a response, the other pulls back, and each move makes the other's bigger.
How do you break the negative cycle in a relationship? Name the whole loop, own your step, listen for the fear under the anger, treat the cycle as the enemy, and take a time-out with a promise to return. Dr. John O'Malley, a couples counselor in Golden, Colorado, teaches these as five mantras.
Is the demand/withdraw pattern backed by research? Yes. A 2014 meta-analysis of 74 studies (14,255 participants) linked it to lower satisfaction, less closeness, breakups, stress, and depression, whichever partner pushes or pulls away.
Does couples therapy help with pursue-withdraw? Yes. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) was built for this pattern. A couples therapist helps you both slow it down and reach for each other.
References
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown.
Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs, 81(1), 28-58. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2013.813632
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child. Delacorte Press.
About the author. Dr. John O'Malley, PhD, LPC, is a couples counselor and clinical supervisor at O'Malley Counseling PLLC in Golden, Colorado. He holds a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from the University of Wyoming, is a Clinical Professor in the Division of Counseling & Psychology at the University of Denver, and is a past Department Chair of Counseling at Regis University. He practices EFT with a Gottman-informed approach with couples in Golden and by telehealth across Colorado, and supervises pre-licensed counselors working toward the Colorado LPC. More about Dr. O'Malley.